Saturday, September 11, 2010


I am talking personal success. Success at work is defined by others. I'm talking winning a battle in an ongoing personal war. I have lost and gained myself numerous times over my lifetime. There were issues when I was in grade school that had me crawling in a hole and trying to fill the hole in my spirit with food. In 4th grade, I was kinda skinny. By the end of 5th grade, I was one of the heaviest girls in the class. For some reason back then (in the olden days), the teacher weighed the kids at the end of the year. It was the only grade I remember them weighing us in. I remember the number, 128 pounds. Not bad for an adult, not good for a young kid.

I yo-yo'd for many years. I starved myself while going to Weight Watcher's so I would not have a gain any week. Did the same thing in TOPS. No taking off pounds sensibly for me! I couldn't have a weight gain in front of people! I'm too competitive for that.

And I had new holes in my spirit to fill.

Through chemo and radiation, I lost about 30 pounds. I needed to loose them, but, good grief, what a way to do it. With that good head start, I kept on going. Adkins' Diet, South Beach Diet, a combination of the two, the cabbage diet, etc., etc., etc. I dieted back down to 128 and looked like death warmed over. It was a psychological milestone for me. I felt good, but looked gaunt.

I started eating again, sensibly at first. Gained a little and stabilized for a couple of years until I gave in to the carbohydrate addiction that I have struggled with for most of my life. One won't hurt, will it? If I could have stuck with "one", I might have been O.K., but that is not how addiction works.

I had donated most of my larger size clothes, and I am talking plus size here. I was a regular at Lane Bryant, Catherine's and plus size departments everywhere. It was such a thrill to be able to shop in the "regular" size department. When I fit into a pair of size 2 slacks from the Gap, it approached an orgasmic experience. Never in my adult life had I done that.

Time passed and finally it was time to donate the "skinny" clothes that I could no longer wear. Figured I would never be "that size" again. I saved a few items that have been hanging in the back of the closet for a couple of years.

I didn't panic until I stepped on the scale and the needle stopped on a number that I had never wanted to see again. Then I went into a tailspin. I have dealt with most of the holes in my spirit, that wasn't it. That damned sugar addiction was winning again. Time to get real with myself and get back in charge.

I had been going out to eat Sunday Breakfast almost every Sunday. That had to stop. I pretty much stopped going out to dinner too. That had become a Friday night event. An occasional candy bar, a couple of donuts....what the heck! Well, the heck was reaching that number I never wanted to see again.

I have gone back to what I know works for me. Breakfast in the morning (cereal with fresh fruit, some juice), lunch (usually a salad with maybe a slice of melon) and dinner (grilled meat - heavy on the fish & chicken or fixed in the slow cooker and green veggies) and snacks (fresh fruit, pork rinds and mini rice cakes).

I reached my goal! I have pulled the clothes from the back of the closet and they fit. There is a weigh range I want to stay in and a BMI that I want to maintain (a few 10ths one way or the other). I have no clothes that need to be donated because "I will never be that size again".

I don't know if this will be my last battle with the sugar addiction or not. I know I have lowered the "number I never want to see again".